What a difference a phone call makes.

This will go down in history as the Worst Valentine's Day Ever.

Today my phone rang and I saw that it was our agency. When I answered the phone I was greeted by the agency director. Never a good sign. Almost as bad as when the nurse in the ER ushers your family into the family counseling room. Almost.

She was sad. She said that she was so sorry but that our adoption case was being disrupted. Disrupted...makes me think of a devilish student throwing paper in class. But what she meant and would go on to explain is that our adoption plan with D. is closed. Not by D.'s choice. But because the birth father has filed a suit in response to being served legal papers. Well, more exactly, his attorney has filed a suit in response to receiving the papers. He has filed for sole custody. He wants Caleb. He wants to raise him. He will win. The agency and the attorney advised that this is not a case we can win. They say this is a rarity. They said we had the perfect case, the most amazing relationship with our birthmom they had ever seen. I agree.

This hurts. Allot. They recommend that we take some time to work through our emotions and thoughts and then let them know when we are ready to be shown again. They say they will make us their top priority. I don't won't to be shown again. I won't to fly out of here in 19 days and hug our precious birth mom. I want to get mani/pedi's with her and share in the excitement of delivery. I want to do everything as planned.  His bag is packed. All of his itsy bitsy tiny newborn clothes are washed and ready for him to wear. Wow, I'm just going to say it....this sucks.

After speaking with the attorney and the agency, my sweet sweet D. called me. We didn't say much the first few seconds, I don't think either of us knew what to say. I did really good at first. My head was already pounding from the meltdown a little bit earlier. We each relayed the information that we received from the agency & attorney. We spoke of the attorney letting us know that we would not win this case in court. That the birth father's transgressions were not great enough to automatically terminate rights. She is so strong. She said something I will never forget. She said that she is devastated for us. That she doesn't want anyone but us to have Caleb. Oh, how I love her. Her and her husband are now in an even more difficult decision. We all want what is the very best for Caleb. Does that mean he is supposed to be raised by his birth father? Morally, I would not ever want to take a child away from a biological parent truly honestly wants him. I don't know. Selfishly, I want him.

So, you have questions right?

Did I have any idea this was going to happen? No, not really. I was really anxious when he first showed up a couple of weeks ago. But not terrified cause he had blown off every appointment and attempt to contact him for 5 months. We didn't think he stood a chance even if he decided to fight. Single guy, working night shift, already has a kid he doesn't have custody of, been absent for months, a criminal record. But apparently all of that is not bad enough to terminate his rights. If he had never shown up or responded in any way then his rights could have been terminated at birth.

What will we do now? We will grieve. We will be angry. We will wait. Eventually, I don't know how long, we will be ready to be placed on the waiting family list again. The agency said they will make us a priority family. But we are not ready yet. And when we do get back on the list, we are gonna do some things different. We would like a case where the birth father is on board, where he has already terminated his rights. And still there is no guarantee that the birth mom would not change her mind. wow, this is hard.

What about D.? I will pray, daily for her. We agreed to continue contact, our story is not over. I will never ever regret being matched with her. Knowing her has changed my life. Forever. I will never regret falling head over heals in love with a beautiful baby boy that I will never hold.

I had faith that God would answer our prayers. We prayed for rain and we prepared for rain. We painted a nursery, we had a baby shower, because we were so confident in her decision. Turns out, it wasn't her decision we had to worry about.

Please hold back any negative comments. None of us need the "I was afraid of that..." "I thought it was too good to be true..." "I've heard of terrible things like blah blah blah" And do not even think of saying anything derogatory about D. As hard as this is on us, it is that much harder on her.

So for now, I am going to pull my little family tight around me. We will love on each other. We will attempt to answer each other's questions and try to find the joy in the morning. My little family of three.

Please pray for peace, answers, guidance, perseverance, safety for D. and Caleb and ultimately for God's will to be done.

Happy Valentine's Day.