Have you ever broken the heart of a nine year old? I'm not talking the ache of being on restriction, or a spanking, or even a lost dog, although that last scenario was a pretty bad one. I'm talking the gut wrenching, rip your heart out of your chest and smash it kind of break. Yeah, it's bad.
Amber came home from school yesterday and bounded to the car, oblivious to what was behind curtain number one. She was so happy cause they had exchanged Valentines in class that day and came home with a bag full! I played it cool, we did homework, she read a book to me while we waited for Jeff.
This isn't something Jeff and I had rehearsed so we didn't know who would start. Amber started realizing something was up and I asked her to come sit with me. She stood in front of me and I put my hands on her arms. I asked her if she knew how much we loved her? If she knew how much we would fight the biggest giant for her? She nodded. I told her that people love Caleb just the same. And that his birth father was not ready to let him go. That he loved him so much that he wanted to raise him. And that although we are really sad and it was ok for her to be sad, that sometimes it's a good thing when children are able to stay with their bio parent. I asked her to please not be angry at God and I promised that we would not quit, that one day she would have a brother or sister. I promise.
Then came the tears.
and more tears.
and yet, even more tears.
Jeff took her outside and told her about the depths of a father's love. Or at least scratched the surface. How he would always fight for her. How he would kill someone for her. How he would die for her. It's what Dad's do, or at least what they are supposed to do.
I think this was a better approach that saying that the system failed, this sucks, this isn't right, how is he going to take care of this baby, etc. At least she now has a positive understanding of it.
I taught her how to play the silver lining game. She caught right on. She said "At least you don't have to get on a plane and get sea sick" (this made me smile). She also said that "At least someone gets to play with Caleb" And my fave one, "At least you still get to be friends with D." She gets it. She gets the big picture.
At prayer time she never asked for a thing. She said "Thank you heavenly Father for all of your many blessings. Thank you for our adoption process even the bad parts. Thank you for D and for Caleb. Please keep us safe. Amen". I love her huge heart.
She cried herself to sleep.
She cried while I washed her hair.
She cried when she dried off when she saw the perfect hooded towels and dinosaur wash clothes in the bathroom.
She wiped her face, got on the bus and probably cried some more.
It will be a long long day.
I hold in prayer: You, Jeff, Amber, D, B, bio dad, and Caleb. I can't help but think of the story of King Solomon and the baby. Your willingness to say, "We love him enough to let him go" will not go unnoticed by God. History says that King Solomon was the wisest man to ever live. We know his wisdom was a gift from God. God is wiser than we can even imagine. Cling to faith my friend - even if it is the size of the mustard seed. Jesus says that is all the faith we need because God is just that BIG. It is in our trials we look to the times God brought us through the valley we struggled in before. I urge you to remember when you had no hope of ever having a child. I remember the Sunday you came to lay at the alter your desire for a child and said, "I will love God even if I never get to have a child of my own." It was then that all doors opened for adoption. God hears your cry for help and mercy. He has NOT forsaken you. He will bless you for letting go and having faith in His perfect will, just as the real mother was blessed in King Solomon's ruling. I truly believe with all my faith this is NOT how your adoption story will end.
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