This one's for you Dad.

10 years. 120 months. 520 weeks. 3650 days. 87600 hours. And I could go on and on. Nearly a 1/3 of my life has been spent without him in my life. I have a hard time fathoming that fact. How did ten years pass by so quickly? How did we make it a decade without him. I do believe the days get easier, but only because the heart, mind, and soul can not possibly survive in the initial place of despair forever. 10 years ago I was living in my little bubble. Our family as a whole had suffered loss, but it had been a few years and things were good. Dad had cut back on his side jobs and was able to spend more time doing things he enjoyed. He had recently lost weight and was feeling great. I know without a doubt the Summer before he died was a special gift from God. He gave us that gift so we would have recent, amazing memories of impromptu fishing trips where he didn't care if he personally caught a thing as long as we were having fun, a special trip to the Asheboro Zoo just cause his baby girl wanted to extend the weekend of Aunt Grace's 100th birthday, celebrating with the Rosage's at their anniversary party, celebrating our Church's 100th anniversary, tossing the softball in the yard and him pretending that my pitches burned his hand.

I only have one regret. Even though I was 22 years old, I wish I had the foresight to ask questions. About his childhood, favorite things, opinions on major topics, his dreams for me, his landscaping ideas, and the list goes on and on and grows daily.

In the past 10 years, I built a house in the field next to their house, also known as "Over the Mill" I got divorced. And in hindsight, he would have been ok with that. He would have worried, but he would have my back all the way.

I met Jeff, tasted true love, got married, gained a beautiful daughter, became a mother. Kevin finished college, began a career that he is passionate about, met a beautiful woman and he too, tasted true love. Dad would be beyond pleased.

I fought through a decade of infertility, he would understand that as well having fought along side Mom for years. Jeff and I began our adoption journey and were blessed beyond measure by Caleb Alexander. Dad would be captivated by his grandchildren. He would be gentle and playful. Perhaps standoffish at first, but he would be their biggest fan, and they would be his. I tell them both of him, and how he would have loved them, how he watched over them. Amber knows she will be able to meet him one day.

 Lots of big life changes in the last ten months, he really should have been here to witness them first hand. But who knows, I might have been to afraid to divorce when I did, afraid to disappoint, which would mean I wouldn't have Jeff, or Amber, or Caleb. Kevin may not have been driven to finish college, which would mean there would be no Laura. His accident could have been God's way of sparing him from being riddled with cancer. He was the only one of his siblings that had not been attacked by this disease, and I don't believe he would have been a good patient. Whatever the reason, it happened. And I believe it helps me to relate to others, be empathetic and understanding, and I am able to use my personal experience to help others in my daily job. I think that would make Dad proud.

I still meet people that knew him directly or indirectly, all have wonderful things to say of him. I think that is an amazing testament to a person. That after all this time, people still talk of his kindness and generosity to others, as well as his knowledge and expertise. I would love to hear him and Jeff talk - two fellow hockyologists.

I wish that he was still here. I wish Mom still had her best friend, her other half. I wish she could find someone to spend time with, not a replacement, just someone to make her feel special and beautiful. A companion. I think Dad would be ok with that too. He would want her to be happy even without him. Caleb has done amazing wonders for her spirit and I am grateful for that. But still.

Dad's life and death has made me who I am today. And I am ok with that.

7 months old!

Caleb actually turned 7 months old 10 days ago, but just now getting a chance to write this post. Had to finish the Texas series of posts before I forgot everything, so here ya go. And, I haven't downloaded this month's pics yet, so I will have to go back and edit this post later with super cute pics. But in the mean time.....

This has been a BIG month in Caleb's life! He has really developed in the last couple of weeks! While in TX, he really tried to start crawling and in about 2 days after being home, he was OFF! Crawling from one end of the house to the other. Well, it kinda looks like a modified Army crawl, but it works for him. My fave is when I open the front door after work and he sees me. He immediately starts squealing and kicking, and rushing to the door to get to me. If he happens to be holding a toy, he doesn't waste time to put it down, he just keeps it in his hand and bangs the floor with it all the way over to me. It's quite the welcome home. He has also been AMAZING in the sleep department! Not only is he continuing to fall asleep easily at night, but he has been sleeping ALL NIGHT LONG! That's right, it has finally happened consistently! Praise the Lord! Such a sweet, happy, easy going fella. If we never have the opportunity to adopt again, I can rest easy knowing that God has already given us the sweetest, happiest, calmest baby boy. What an amazing blessing he is. I am completely and totally in love with him. And I'm certain people are tired of hearing me talk about him, but all I can suggest is  - you might wanna get some earplugs. LOL

Buddy boy LOVES eating, crawling, making funny faces and sounds, working his eyebrows, transferring items from hand to hand, puffs, dehydrated yogurt bites, self feeding of the puffs and yogurt bites, his sissy, Daddy, grandparents, church, watching kitty on the porch, waking up in the morning, his bottle, mirrors, baths, kisses, my rubber cellphone case, and is currently obsessed with Barney!

He is currently 17lbs 6oz - that's a big growth for this month! Wearing size 3 diapers, 6mo clothes (although he can still wear some 3/6mo), eating between 7/8 ounces every 3/4 hours and eating solids 2x a day.

In the last 2 days we have had another big development! After months and months we have finally spotted 2 teeth!!!!! They  are not quite through yet, but we can see the little white peaks just under the gum so it won't be long!

Baby boy, you and sissy are my absolute joy. I'm sorry that I have to go to work everyday and can't be home with you, but you reward me when I come home and we make the most of our evenings together. There is nothing in the world that I wouldn't do for you. I want to protect you and keep you safe and secure forever. I thank God that we were chosen to be your parents. I've been sharing your adoption story with you since birth and one day we will be able to talk about it and answer your questions. I hope you will always know that you are loved beyond measure. That you are our miracle, the answer to our prayers. Happy 7mo baby boy, Momma loves you.

Texas Day 4

Day 4 of our Texas trip started with packing and a little light cleaning of our lovely rental house. Somehow things never seem to quite fit back in your suitcase the same way as previously packed. Packing for 2 kids was interesting to say the least. Babies sure do come with a lot of stuff! After we were all packed we headed downtown to meet D., she was going to be our tour guide for the afternoon before we had to catch our flight.

We found a parking garage and waiting a few minutes for her to arrive. I was already feeling sad about saying goodbye to Briana and Noel and was seriously not looking forward to having to say goodbye to D. We had so much history in just 11 short months. I tried to push that aside and make the most of the few hours we had left. We ventured out to find the Alamo. So many people had said that I would be disappointed with the Alamo but I personally thought it was pretty cool. I wish it had been a little less crowded so I could have read all of the little signs and plaques, but I think we got the gist of it. The building is still beautiful even after all these years. We took a self-guided tour, took a few pictures (outside), and headed to the gift shop for some souvenirs.

After the Alamo we continued walking downtown and made our way to the River Walk area. Very cool. Beautiful landscaping along winding bricked walkways on the water. I kept thinking that walk would have taken forever if Dad had been there. He would have wanted to inspect and then teach us about every plant and flower we passed. I wouldn’t have minded though, that would have been time well spent.

We bought tickets for the water taxi tour and we really enjoyed it! Of course, my camera decided to die at that time, so I took zero pictures, but take my word for it, it was really enjoyable. Next we walked a few blocks to the Rainforest Café – a really interesting place for lunch. It is decorated like a huge jungle complete with animatronics and “thunder storms” that come up every 20 minutes. I think it was a little loud for my father in law, but the rest of us enjoyed it. Even Caleb thought the giant gorilla near our table was fun.J

We were quickly running out of time so after lunch we headed back to the garage. And again, we were faced with having to say goodbye. I really didn’t want too. Because, just with Briana, I didn’t know how long it would be before we could see each other again. We hugged, a few times, and promised to keep in touch. My sweet D. means so much to us. We just adore her and her sweet spirit. I wish I could protect her from all the negativity and the things that she is facing. I can’t wait until we can visit again, or maybe next time her and T will come to see us!!

We turned in our cars at the drop-off location and took a shuttle to the airport. I had looked at the tickets and informed everyone we had plenty of time because our flight did not leave until 5:50pm, and it was currently just a little after 4pm. Ummmm, not sure where I got that info from because after we all used the restrooms, and made our way to print our boarding passes and check our luggage I looked again at the times. We were leaving at 4:50 not 5:50!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY Goodness!!!!!! We rushed through security – thank God we had the baby and stroller cause we always got to go through a special line, and then we all rushed to our gate. I almost blew that whole situation and we would have missed our flight! Thankfully, we made it with a few minutes to spare and loaded the plane with no more problems!

Caleb did great on the flight again and just drank his bottle and took a good long nap. We couldn’t have asked for a better flying companion. Amber enjoyed her window seat, especially when it got dark outside and she could see all the pretty lights.

We arrived in Charlotte, had dinner and were passing the time at our gate. It was getting really close to boarding when the attendant made an announcement that the flight from Charlotte to Jacksonville was boarding at E31……not the terminal we had been sitting at for an hour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, so this time it was not my fault!! Our boarding passes confirmed that where we were sitting was correct but the airport had changed the terminal and we had not heard the announcement. So there we were again, about 30 gates away from our boarding plane! We loaded our stuff and started hauling booty to our gate. Mom, Caleb, and I hitched a ride with a security guard so we wouldn’t have to run with the stroller and we made it just in the nick of time! We loaded the plane, strapped our belts and let out a collective sigh of relief.

The rest of the trip was uneventful, located our luggage, drove home, and passed out!!

We all had a wonderful, memorable time but we were all SO glad to be almost HOME!

Texas Day 3

I was so excited about Texas Day 3 cause it meant we were going to SEA WORLD! We all enjoyed our day in court, obviously that was the reason we were even there but I was super happy about going to SW. I have only been once, when I was 9 years old and I was really looking forward to it. It was pretty warm that day, in the low 90’s and although I wish it could have been a little cooler, we faired ok. D. had hooked us up with some discount tickets through her work (Thank you D.) which was most appreciated. We got there early so we would be there when they opened. We waited in line for the gates to open and then it was a mad dash to make it to the first show of the day. We made it just in time and thoroughly enjoyed the pre-show with the mime who ended up being one of the divers/acrobats. The beluga whales and dolphins were phenomenal. I had chills sitting in 90 degree weather. I wanted to cry it was so beautiful. How silly is that? Amber sat with her mouth opened the whole time while Caleb slept through the entire show.

We continued making our way through the park, fighting the still big crowd, and made it to all the shows. Jeff, Amber, and his Dad rode a few rides while Caleb enjoyed riding in his stroller. I ended up taking his little outfit off and he cruised the park in his diaper and hat under the shade of his stroller. He was pretty happy covered in slobber and crumbs from his new favorite snack the Mum Mum. (It’s like a rice cake for babies). Amber loved the kid section with the obstacle course and water area. Caleb even enjoyed standing on one of the little water spouts coming out of the cement (maybe 2 inches high). The water was really cold but he didn’t seem to mind on his little toes. I especially enjoyed looking at the penguins, although I could have easily spent much longer in there! Not only was it nice and cool but Amber and I had been watching the penguins on their webcam for over a month and I, for one, was completely smitten! They are just so darn cute waddling around.

We made it to all the shows and of course, Shamu did not disappoint! I am so grateful we were able to add this adventure to our Texas trip!

After everyone had seen everything they wanted to see and ridden all the rides it was time to leave. We made it to the car and blasted the cold air! Can you tell that it was hot that day??? And I heard several people say that they were so glad TX was having a “cold spell” Eek.

We headed back to the house to rest and relax and SHOWER and then before we knew it, it was time for dinner again. This being our last night we decided to head to one of Jeff and I’s fave from our last trip, Texas Pride BBQ! We made plans for Briana and Noel to meet us too. We filled our trays with beef brisket, ribs, beans, and potatoes and found a seat. It was so yummy. They put your meat on butcher paper and for some reason it makes it that much yummier to me. LOL We finished off our meal with warm peach cobbler, a la mode of course.

Leaving the restaurant we mingled in the parking lot for awhile not wanting to say goodbye. On our last trip the goodbyes were easy because we knew we would be back in 6mo to finalize. This time, we don’t know how long it will be before we make it back. We hope they come to NC for a visit sometime but with their little miracle on the way, their trip will have to be moved to the back burner. I forgot to mention on my last post, but Briana gave us the sweetest gift on our court day. It was the book “tell me again about the night I was born” which makes me want to cry my eyes out every time I read it. It is so sweet. And the most adorable onesie, 1^st Halloween for Caleb. But my most favorite thing of all was the special card that she gave us. Her kind words truly touched my heart. It’s amazing how God put us together to share the wait, the upsets, and the pure joy of adoption. They are such a blessing to us and I will never ever be able to truly put in to words how much their kindness over this past year has meant to us. I mean, seriously, how many people do you know that would invite you to stay in their home, with and without a newborn having just met them??? They personify God’s love for people. If you don’t have friends like them, pray that God will send special folks like them into your life.

I tried to thank them and say goodbye but I became a blubbering mess, so we just left it at “see ya later’. Got in our cars and headed back to the house. Of course, we had to stop at Wal-mart again……

Texas Day 2

Friday morning we awoke bright and early. Well, everyone else woke up, I was already awake. Buddy boy did not like sleeping in Texas! He had a hard time the whole weekend! I tried to keep his routine similar but it didn’t help. Different crib, different sounds, time change, whew – he and I struggled. But anywho…..

We all kind of lazed around for the morning because we didn’t really have time to go and do anything because it was COURT DAY! Whooo hooooo

When it was time we all showered and dressed and after making another stop at Walmart (Jeff forgot this belt) we were on our way to the court house. We managed to find a good parking spot directly across from the court house (miracle!) and proceeded to work our way through security. We actually passed with flying colors! Briana had offered to meet us at the court house to show us around and to take pictures and I am so glad she was able to do both! Finding the place on our own would have been a nightmare to say the least. Down the elevator, down the hall, up the elevator, eek. Once we got to the right area we were told to wait for our attorney, which again, I’m glad Briana was with us, because she knew what the woman looked like. As we waiting about 45 minutes for our attorney a sweet adoptive mom holding a precious little baby boy introduced herself to us. Her name was Lacey and her and her husband (and parents) were there to finalize the adoption of their son as well. I remember seeing their faces on the agency website so it was really cool to share that time with them. Their son Ryder was born on the 7^th of March, the day we received a call about Caleb. Shewas so sweet and actually surprised Briana and I by telling us that she follows both of our blogs. That was a nice surprise! (So if you are reading this Lacey – Hi and email me sometime or find me on FB so we can stay in touch!) After a little bit of waiting our attorney appeared and introduced herself. Waited a few more, filled out some papers, then it was time to head into the court room. We had heard that the judges set aside a day to handle all adoptions each week, that the Judges really enjoyed those days. Well, our judge was no exception. We even watched as he sent some folks to another courtroom so the he could focus on just the adoptions that were being finalized. Lacey and I were the only ones from our agency, but there were other families completing step-child adoption, foster adoptions, etc. The attorney asked if Jeff and I wanted our whole group to stand before the Judge and we definitely said yes. We had been through this whole process together so we were excited they were able to share in the moment, especially Amber. When it was out turn all 7 of us rose from our seats and made our way to the front of the courtroom to stand before the judge. Jeff and I were asked a few questions (which I don’t remember!!), asked if it was our intent to make Caleb’s name legal (yes), and if it was our intent to adopt him. (YES) Mom was standing to my right which was a good thing cause Caleb was most interested in my long necklace that he wanted to eat!! I quickly took it off and passed it to her to hide for me. When I glanced at her tears were streaming down her face. Happy tears. Healing tears. Having struggled with infertility for so many years, have 2 miracle children, and watched me struggle for a decade, she understands. Probably better than most. She knows what a special, priceless, miracle gift Caleb is to our family. And she rejoices in him. The judge finally said he saw no reason for us not to be approved for and make our adoption final – words to our ears! He then said we could take some pictures with him and he invited us ALL to stand with him while Briana snapped pictures. He said Caleb sure was a cute and happy fella and congratulated us all. Oh, what a special time. So thankful God gave us a sweet Judge to share our special time with.

After we left the courtroom we waited in the hall a bit longer for our attorney to give us a copy of our adoption decree – hallelujah! We then invited Briana to lunch and we headed to the Spaghetti Warehouse, a delicious, interestingly decorated Italian joint with fantastic food! We set the 2 little handsome boys next to each other and they had the best time “talking”,. Caleb tried a Mum Mum for the first time and he LOVED IT! He devoured it! His first attempt at self feeding was a success. He also liked the Puffs (AKA Baby Crack cause they are so popular)

After lunch we headed back to the house for a quick rest and clothing change, and then we were off to meet Briana to have family photos taken. We met at beautiful Brackenridge Park in our coordinating colors and Briana started snapping shots. I have seen a few of them already, and I am so so so happy with they way they have turned out! I couldn’t believe how well Caleb behaved; he smiled on que when she raised that camera! It was so funny. Amber looked beautiful and so grown.L I love the shots of her and Caleb together, they truly adore each other. I hope their love for each other continues to grow.

Once pics were finished we headed for a late dinner. Yes, we ate on this trip, a lot. We decided to try a steakhouse so we headed to a place called Salt Grass. Oh My Goodness. I even ordered a steak which is a rarity for me so you know I hoping it would be good. I was not disappointed! Everything was delicious! And we surprised Amber with a giant piece of cake and sang Happy Birthday to her (2 days early). She was surprised and a little embarrassed.

Whew, after a long and emotional day we all turned in pretty early excited to start our next day at SEA WORLD!