What I learned today....

I went to church today, the first Sunday since our adoption was "disrupted". I have to be honest, I was dreading going to church. I have been really strong all week (except for day one which was pretty much a disaster) but being at church always has the potential to reduce me to tears. It's being in God's house with my other family. I also needed to pass out the thank-you cards for the gifts we received at our baby shower. I was also dreading that. There is no handbook for this, I have no idea what the protocol is. I have been kicking myself for not passing these cards out sooner. Why did I not pass them out a couple days after the shower????

Anyway, this is what I learned.....

• There is a whole older generation that does not have Facebook, therefore they did not know what had transpired. This led to several of the sweet older ladies that I adore approaching me smiling from ear to ear asking "How much longer?" "How many more days?". I watched their smiles fall as they watched my eyes fill up. I hated doing that.

• Apparently I am a crazy person for wondering or worrying how to return gifts, or if I should even ask if people wanted their gifts back. I was told more than once, that I should not even think that, and more so, even received 2 more gifts today! Sweet sweet ladies, they removed the gift cards from their envelopes while hiding the handwritten cards in their purses. They didn't want to upset me with their kind words. Love them.

• Amber is so strong! She had also written thank-you cards for the gifts that she received. She passed them out with a smile on her face and a thank you on her lips. Love her so much. 

• There are many many many people who are praying for a miracle!!!! People praying specifically for the birth father to change his mind. For him to realize that raising him might not be in the best interest of Lil Man.

I am so very thankful that we have such a good relationship with D. I wish I could fix all of this for her. She is hurting but is so strong at the same time! She was comfortable knowing that Caleb would have a great home and now that comfort is not there. I hurt for her. Please continue to lift her up in your prayers. Pray that she be comforted and at peace with her decisions. Pray that she considers her feelings and emotions and not worry as much about the feelings and emotions of others. Pray that she be surrounded by loving friends and family who will encourage her, and not question her. Pray that those that mean the most to her will be open minded, open hearted and able to deal with their own emotions. Pray for her health and the health of baby boy. Her due date may be extended, but who knows, maybe we need that extra time for a miracle!!!

Love - K.

If I could.....

If I could have the chance to speak to the birth father I would have allot of things to say. If I could ask him my questions perhaps I would understand better. If I could see his heart maybe this would be easier. If I could take a peek into the future maybe I would know that our baby would be ok. Here is what I would say if I could…..

Tell me how much you love this baby. Do you dream of holding him, kissing him, bathing him? We do. Do you wonder if he will sleep well at night or if he will continue his 2am gymnastics just as he does now while growing? We do.  Do you already worry about his first shots, his first tummy ache, and his first fight at school? We do. Do you picture yourself loving him so much that it hurts? We do. Do you picture him, playing in the dirt and chasing his big sister with frogs and lizards? We do. Do you have a room for him prepared with furniture, clothes, diapers, bottles and stuffed toys waiting for him? We do. Do you have a huge multitude of friends and family that have prayed for him every single day since we knew of his existence? We do. Do you pray every single day for him? We all do.

When did a tiny apartment become better than a forever home on 16 acres? When did a single parent working night shift become better than 2 parents who have held steady same jobs forever? When did no support system become better than 2 sets of grandparents, a great grandparent, many many aunts, uncles, and cousins, many of who live on the same road?  Do you worry about his soul? You have no church; you don’t even have a relationship with Christ. Who will raise this child to believe? Who will raise him to have a personal relationship with Christ? We would.

Will you tell him about his mother? We would. Will you tell him about her favorite shows, candy, love for scrapbooking, board games, chocolate? We would. Her fears, hopes, and dreams for him? Would you tell him about her love for him and about her fight for him to have a good life? We would.

I pray that you have an answer to all of these questions. I pray you will have an answer to all of his questions. I pray that you will love him with all of your heart, that you will comfort him and be everyone and everything for him. I pray that teachers and friends will come into his life and teach him about the love of his Heavenly Father. I will pray for him each and every day.

He deserves that.

The heart of a nine year old

Have you ever broken the heart of a nine year old? I'm not talking the ache of being on restriction, or a spanking, or even a lost dog, although that last scenario was a pretty bad one. I'm talking the gut wrenching, rip your heart out of your chest and smash it kind of break. Yeah, it's bad.

Amber came home from school yesterday and bounded to the car, oblivious to what was behind curtain number one. She was so happy cause they had exchanged Valentines in class that day and came home with a bag full! I played it cool, we did homework, she read a book to me while we waited for Jeff.

This isn't something Jeff and I had rehearsed so we didn't know who would start. Amber started realizing something was up and I asked her to come sit with me. She stood in front of me and I put my hands on her arms. I asked her if she knew how much we loved her? If she knew how much we would fight the biggest giant for her? She nodded. I told her that people love Caleb just the same. And that his birth father was not ready to let him go. That he loved him so much that he wanted to raise him. And that although we are really sad and it was ok for her to be sad, that sometimes it's a good thing when children are able to stay with their bio parent. I asked her to please not be angry at God and I promised that we would not quit, that one day she would have a brother or sister. I promise.

Then came the tears.


and more tears.

and yet, even more tears.

Jeff took her outside and told her about the depths of a father's love. Or at least scratched the surface. How he would always fight for her. How he would kill someone for her. How he would die for her. It's what Dad's do, or at least what they are supposed to do.

I think this was a better approach that saying that the system failed, this sucks, this isn't right, how is he going to take care of this baby, etc. At least she now has a positive understanding of it.

I taught her how to play the silver lining game. She caught right on. She said "At least you don't have to get on a plane and get sea sick" (this made me smile). She also said that "At least someone gets to play with Caleb" And my fave one, "At least you still get to be friends with D." She gets it. She gets the big picture.

At prayer time she never asked for a thing. She said "Thank you heavenly Father for all of your many blessings. Thank you for our adoption process even the bad parts. Thank you for D and for Caleb. Please keep us safe. Amen". I love her huge heart.

She cried herself to sleep.

She cried while I washed her hair.

She cried when she dried off when she saw the perfect hooded towels and dinosaur wash clothes in the bathroom.

She wiped her face, got on the bus and probably cried some more.

It will be a long long day.

What a difference a phone call makes.

This will go down in history as the Worst Valentine's Day Ever.

Today my phone rang and I saw that it was our agency. When I answered the phone I was greeted by the agency director. Never a good sign. Almost as bad as when the nurse in the ER ushers your family into the family counseling room. Almost.

She was sad. She said that she was so sorry but that our adoption case was being disrupted. Disrupted...makes me think of a devilish student throwing paper in class. But what she meant and would go on to explain is that our adoption plan with D. is closed. Not by D.'s choice. But because the birth father has filed a suit in response to being served legal papers. Well, more exactly, his attorney has filed a suit in response to receiving the papers. He has filed for sole custody. He wants Caleb. He wants to raise him. He will win. The agency and the attorney advised that this is not a case we can win. They say this is a rarity. They said we had the perfect case, the most amazing relationship with our birthmom they had ever seen. I agree.

This hurts. Allot. They recommend that we take some time to work through our emotions and thoughts and then let them know when we are ready to be shown again. They say they will make us their top priority. I don't won't to be shown again. I won't to fly out of here in 19 days and hug our precious birth mom. I want to get mani/pedi's with her and share in the excitement of delivery. I want to do everything as planned.  His bag is packed. All of his itsy bitsy tiny newborn clothes are washed and ready for him to wear. Wow, I'm just going to say it....this sucks.

After speaking with the attorney and the agency, my sweet sweet D. called me. We didn't say much the first few seconds, I don't think either of us knew what to say. I did really good at first. My head was already pounding from the meltdown a little bit earlier. We each relayed the information that we received from the agency & attorney. We spoke of the attorney letting us know that we would not win this case in court. That the birth father's transgressions were not great enough to automatically terminate rights. She is so strong. She said something I will never forget. She said that she is devastated for us. That she doesn't want anyone but us to have Caleb. Oh, how I love her. Her and her husband are now in an even more difficult decision. We all want what is the very best for Caleb. Does that mean he is supposed to be raised by his birth father? Morally, I would not ever want to take a child away from a biological parent truly honestly wants him. I don't know. Selfishly, I want him.

So, you have questions right?

Did I have any idea this was going to happen? No, not really. I was really anxious when he first showed up a couple of weeks ago. But not terrified cause he had blown off every appointment and attempt to contact him for 5 months. We didn't think he stood a chance even if he decided to fight. Single guy, working night shift, already has a kid he doesn't have custody of, been absent for months, a criminal record. But apparently all of that is not bad enough to terminate his rights. If he had never shown up or responded in any way then his rights could have been terminated at birth.

What will we do now? We will grieve. We will be angry. We will wait. Eventually, I don't know how long, we will be ready to be placed on the waiting family list again. The agency said they will make us a priority family. But we are not ready yet. And when we do get back on the list, we are gonna do some things different. We would like a case where the birth father is on board, where he has already terminated his rights. And still there is no guarantee that the birth mom would not change her mind. wow, this is hard.

What about D.? I will pray, daily for her. We agreed to continue contact, our story is not over. I will never ever regret being matched with her. Knowing her has changed my life. Forever. I will never regret falling head over heals in love with a beautiful baby boy that I will never hold.

I had faith that God would answer our prayers. We prayed for rain and we prepared for rain. We painted a nursery, we had a baby shower, because we were so confident in her decision. Turns out, it wasn't her decision we had to worry about.

Please hold back any negative comments. None of us need the "I was afraid of that..." "I thought it was too good to be true..." "I've heard of terrible things like blah blah blah" And do not even think of saying anything derogatory about D. As hard as this is on us, it is that much harder on her.

So for now, I am going to pull my little family tight around me. We will love on each other. We will attempt to answer each other's questions and try to find the joy in the morning. My little family of three.

Please pray for peace, answers, guidance, perseverance, safety for D. and Caleb and ultimately for God's will to be done.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Baby shower, doc appts, and one chunky monkey

This week something I envisioned for a long time actually took place. I attended a baby shower. Our baby shower. And what a shower it was! We have the greatest family and friends! Really, we do! I know lots of people say that, but we are so blessed. A fabulous group of ladies planned, prepared, cooked, cleaned, etc to make this a wonderful time for us. This same group of women has prayed for our family and our future baby for years. This amazing group of women has supported every single one of our fundraising events. They have shared in our excitement, shared our tears, and lifted us up. And on Sunday February 5th, they showered us. I don't have pics to share yet, but will post some soon. We received so many wonderful gifts, I was actually breaking a sweat! LOL

Mom and I have had fun organizing little Caleb's room with all the precious gifts: itsy bitsy socks and shoes, cuddly stuffed animals, cozy blankets, adorable outfits, and lots of diapers! This little man is so spoiled all ready! But he is so worth it!! :)

D. is now 33 weeks! Tuesday she had a doctor's appointment and everything was great, healthy with no problems! And he is head down and in position! Praise God! And then today, she had an ultrasound!! We don't have any pics cause he was not cooperating, which I can't blame him cause he is running out of room! We were so excited to find out his estimated weight and little big boy did not disappoint! The average 33wk baby weighs approximately 4.3lbs, but not our little piggy. Our little man weighed in at 5.2lbs!!! We are so happy and thankful! He will continue to plump up and should be at a really good weight at delivery......which is most likely in 27 days from now. Oh.My.Goodness.

D. is looking fabulous and continuingg to do so well on bed rest. Here is the weekly pic! Enjoy!

Thank you for continuing your prayers as this process continues!

XOXO - K.

Week 32!!

Yay for week 32!!! Week 32 is looking great! Wanna see?......

Doesn't she look awesome???!!??

This week has been quite interesting so far. D. had a regular doctor's appointment yesterday and all was well. Caleb is head down and in position already!!!!! Oh my goodness,just knowing this makes my heart race a little bit!

We are praising God for healthy check-ups and heart beats! D. will now have weekly appointments and if everything continues to go well then we are still on track for delivery at 37 weeks. The doctor will know more in the next few weeks and hopefully be able to actually schedule the induction.

This week we are also facing the Giants. Without sharing too many specifics we are still waiting for the birth father to sign relinquishment papers. In TX, the birth father can sign at any time before Caleb's birth without having to wait until he is actually born. We NEED him to sign these papers, and soon. Our (D & I) nerves NEED these papers signed. We do trust in the Lord and I know and I know and I know that HE alone has directed our steps throughout this whole process. So why would I not trust that the birth father will sign the appropriate papers? Can you continue to pray for this aspect?

This weekend my church family is having a baby shower for us. We are so very excited! I continue to feel that this is all a bit surreal, that this is really happening. That in just a few days I will be attending our baby shower. I will be opening beautiful packages to find little tiny clothes and precious items for a precious miracle. I wish I had the words to be able to adequately express my gratitude for my sweet sweet family and friends. I hope they know without me finding the right words. I wish I could stand on the tallest mountain. Or paint the biggest billboard in town. I want to tell everyone of God's faithfulness and goodness.

Closing for now - Love K.